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The Emirate of Qatar (pronounced cutter) was awarded the 2022 FIFA World Cup today beating out Australia, Japan, South Korea, and the United States. The Emirate of Qatar is about the same size as the state of Connecticut meaning that transportation between hotels and venues will not be an issue. This is because every acre in the country will have to be developed into a stadium, a hotel, a night spot, or a transportation link in order to accommodate all the people who will show up for the Emir’s party. If you don’t want to ride to a game, they’re all going to be within walking distance.

The FIFA World Cup is a summertime event. The temperature in Qatar during the summertime is around 130 degrees F (54 degrees C). This looks like a disaster waiting to happen. Players can’t play nor can spectators sit en-masse in tight quarters for two hours in such heat. Each of the other event finalists boasts high temperatures at least 30-40 degrees cooler during the season. But the Emir of Qatar has all the money in the world thanks to his oil wells so he has the solution on which he sold FIFA; everything will be climate controlled. He has two choices for accomplishing this. He can build a dome over his entire state (like in the Simpsons Movie) and air condition the entire country or he can build self-contained, climate-controlled stadiums, hotels, and connectors. Either way, he’s going to need his own nuclear power plant to generate the required electricity. A nuclear power plant is exactly what the rest of the world wants to see in the Persian Gulf region.

His other selling point for securing the event is even better. The Emir knows that he doesn’t need eight to twelve 40,000 seat stadiums in his country once the World Cup is over. He might need two. So his plan is to develop them such that they can be disassembled and given to impoverished nations that have no such infrastructure for their national soccer programs. Apparently FIFA loved this but how is this going to work?

Complication #1: Outdoor stadiums are best for impoverished nations because they don’t require any climate control. But if the Emir builds outdoor stadiums, his only option for climate control during the World Cup is to cover his entire country with a dome. If he does that, how does he get the debris/materials out of the country in order to ship them to those impoverished nations? A big door in one side of the dome won’t work; the rush of air will change the weather pattern for the entire world. Just think of the butterfly-effect on steroids.

Complication #2: Indoor stadiums are not good for impoverished nations because they require high grade, high capacity utilities such as electricity, water, and sewer. Impoverished nations are not known for having these amenities. It could get really hot and smelly during that first event in the new National Stadium named for the Despot at the Time and the memory of the stench could kill anyone’s desire for ever wanting to go back.

Complication #3: Impoverished nations really don’t have the skills to reconstruct modern stadiums even if they are served up to them as glorified Erector sets. However, this might not be the worst problem. When the local impoverished citizenry finds the large cache of building materials, they might just grab them to use on their own homestead renewal projects. The Emir should have his stadiums designed with corrugated tin roofs and facades, which would help immeasurably in these efforts. It would dampen the spirit of the gift in the eyes of FIFA however.

So really what we have is a very cynical plan to use impoverished countries as dumping grounds for the excess stadiums once the Emir of Qatar is done having his party. He’s going to spend obscene amounts of money rebuilding his country so he can tear it all down when he’s done having a good time. He certainly doesn’t have room for the structures or the mess afterwards so he’s going to make them someone else’s national problem.

And the world thinks Americans are self-centered.

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